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V HIS AUNT’S NEW PLANS |
“Well, did you get the deed out of the old reprobate?” |
Such was the question with which Ivan Fiodorovich was greeted by his aunt, who had been expecting him for some hours in the porch and had at last been unable to resist going out to the gate. |
“No, Auntie,” said Ivan Fiodorovich, getting out of the trap: |
“Grigory Grigorievich has no deed!” “And you believed him? |
He was lying, the damned scoundrel! |
Some day I’ll come across him and I will give him a drubbing with my own hands. |
Oh, I’d get rid of some of his fat for him! |
Though perhaps we ought first to consult our court assessor and see if we couldn’t get the law on him.... |
But that’s not the point now. |
Well, was the dinner good?” |
“Very... |
yes, excellent, Auntie!” |
“Well, what did you have? Tell me. |
The old lady, I know, is a great hand at looking after the cooking.” |
“Curd fritters with sour cream, Auntie; a stew of stuffed pigeons...” |
“And a turkey with pickled plums?” |
asked his aunt, for she was herself very skillful in the preparation of that dish. |
“Yes, there was a turkey, too...! |
Very handsome young ladies, Grigory Grigorievich’s sisters, especially the fair one!” |
“Ah!” |
said Auntie, and she looked intently at Ivan Fiodorovich, who dropped his eyes, blushing. |
A new idea flashed into her mind. |
“Come, tell me,” she said eagerly and with curiosity, “what are her eyebrows like?” |
We should note that the aunt considered fine eyebrows as the most important item in a woman’s looks. |
“Her eyebrows, Auntie, are exactly like what you described yours as being when you were young. |
And there are little freckles all over her face.” |
“Ah,” commented his aunt, well pleased with Ivan Fiodorovich’s observation, though he had had no idea of paying her a compliment. |
“What sort of dress was she wearing? |
Though, indeed, it’s hard to get good material nowadays, such as I have here, for instance, in this dress. |
But that’s not the point. |
Well, did you talk to her about anything?” “Talk... |
how do you mean, Auntie? |
Perhaps you are imagining...” |
“Well, what of it, there would be nothing strange in that! |
Such is God’s will! |
It may have been ordained at your birth that you should make a match of it.” |
“I don’t know how you can say such a thing, Auntie. |
That shows that you don’t know me at all....” |
“Well, well, now he is offended,” said his aunt. |
“He’s still only a child!” |
she thought to herself: “he knows nothing! |
We must bring them together—let them get to know each other!” |
The aunt went to have a look at the kitchen and left Ivan Fiodorovich alone. |
But from that time on she thought of nothing but seeing her nephew married as soon as possible and fondling his little ones. |
Her brain was absorbed in making preparations for the wedding, and it was noticeable that she bustled about more busily than ever, though the work was the worse rather than the better for it. |
Often when she was making the pies, a job which she never left to the cook, she would forget everything, and imagining that a tiny great-nephew was standing by her asking for some pie, would absently hold out her hands with the nicest bit for him, and the watchdog, taking advantage of this, would snatch the dainty morsel and by its loud munching rouse her from her reverie, for which it was always beaten with the poker. |
She even abandoned her favorite pursuits and did not go out shooting, especially after she shot a crow by mistake for a partridge, a thing which had never happened to her before. |
At last, four days later, everyone saw the chaise brought out of the carriage house into the yard. |
The coachman Omelko (he was also the gardener and the watchman) had been hammering from early morning, nailing on the leather and continually chasing away the dogs who licked the wheels. |
I think it my duty to inform my readers that this was the very chaise in which Adam used to drive; and therefore, if anyone tries to convince you that some other chaise was Adam’s, it is an absolute lie, and his chaise is certainly not the genuine article. |
It is impossible to say how it survived the Flood. |
It must be supposed that there was a special carriage house for it in Noah’s Ark. |
I am very sorry that I cannot give a vivid picture of it for my readers. |
It is enough to say that Vasilisa Kashporovna was very well satisfied with its structure and always expressed regret that the old style of carriages had gone out of fashion. |
The chaise had been constructed a little on one side, that is, the right half was much higher than the left, and this pleased her particularly, because, as she said, a fat person could sit on one side and a tall person on the other. |
Inside the chaise, however, there was room for five small persons or three as big as the aunt. |
About midday Omelko, having finished with the chaise, brought out of the stable three horses that were only a little younger than the chaise, and began harnessing them to the magnificent vehicle with a rope. |
Ivan Fiodorovich and his aunt, one on the left side and the other on the right, stepped in and the chaise drove off. |
The peasants they met on the road, seeing this sumptuous chaise (Vasilisa Kashporovna rarely drove out in it), stopped respectfully, taking off their caps and bowing low. |
Two hours later the chaise stopped at the front door—I think I need not say—of Storchenko’s house. |
Grigory Grigorievich was not at home. |
His old mother and the two young ladies came into the dining room to receive the guests. |
The aunt walked in with a majestic step, with a great air stopped short with one foot forward, and said in a loud voice: |
“I am delighted, dear madam, to have the honor to offer you my respects in person; and at the same time to thank you for your hospitality to my nephew, who has been warm in his praises of it. |
Your buckwheat is very good, madam—I saw it as we drove into the village. |
May I ask how many sheaves you get to the acre?” |
After that followed kisses all around. |
As soon as they were seated in the drawing room, the old lady began: |
“About the buckwheat I cannot tell you: |
that’s Grigory Grigorievich’s department: |
it’s long since I have had anything to do with the farming; indeed I am not equal to it, I am old now! |
In the old days I remember the buckwheat stood up to my waist; now goodness knows what it is like, though they do say everything is better now.” |
At that point the old lady heaved a sigh, and some observers would have heard in that sigh the sigh of a past age, of the eighteenth century. |
“I have heard, madam, that your own serf girls can make excellent carpets,” said Vasilisa Kashporovna, and with that touched on the old lady’s most sensitive nerve; at those words she seemed to brighten up, and she talked readily of the way to dye the yarn and prepare the thread. |
From carpets the conversation passed easily to the pickling of cucumbers and drying of pears. |
In short, before the end of an hour the two ladies were talking together as though they had been friends all their lives. |
Vasilisa Kashporovna had already said a great deal to her in such a low voice that Ivan Fiodorovich could not hear what she was saying. |
“Yes, would you like to have a look at them?” |
said the old lady, getting up. |
The young ladies and Vasilisa Kashporovna also got up and all moved toward the serf girls’ room. |
The aunt signaled, however, to Ivan Fiodorovich to remain, and whispered something to the old lady. |
“Mashenka,” said the latter, addressing the fair-haired young lady, “stay with our visitor and talk with him, so that he doesn’t become bored!” |
The fair-haired young lady remained and sat down on the sofa. |
Ivan Fiodorovich sat on his chair as though on thorns, blushed and cast down his eyes; but the young lady appeared not to notice this and sat unconcernedly on the sofa, carefully scrutinizing the windows and the walls, or watching the cat timorously running around under the chairs. |
Ivan Fiodorovich grew a little bolder and would have begun a conversation; but it seemed as though he had lost all his words on the way. |
Not a single idea came into his mind. |
The silence lasted for nearly a quarter of an hour. |
The young lady went on sitting as before. |
At last Ivan Fiodorovich plucked up his courage. |
“There are a great many flies in summer, madam!” |
he said in a half-trembling voice. |
“A very great many!” |
answered the young lady. |
“My brother has made a swatter out of an old slipper of Mama’s but there are still lots of them.” |
Here the conversation stalled again, and Ivan Fiodorovich was utterly unable to find anything to say. |
At last the old lady and his aunt and the dark-haired young lady came back again. |
After a little more conversation, Vasilisa Kashporovna took leave of the old lady and her daughters in spite of their entreaties that they stay the night. |
The three ladies came out on the steps to see their visitors off, and continued for some time nodding to the aunt and nephew, as they looked out of the chaise. |
“Well, Ivan Fiodorovich, what did you talk about when you were alone with the young lady?” |
his aunt asked him on the way home. |
“Maria Grigorievna is a modest and well-behaved young lady!” |
said Ivan Fiodorovich. |
“Listen, Ivan Fiodorovich, I want to talk seriously to you. |
Here you are thirty-eight, thank God; you have obtained a good rank in the service—it’s time to think about children! |
You must have a wife...” |
“What, Auntie!” |
cried Ivan Fiodorovich, panic-stricken, “a wife! |
No, Auntie, for goodness’ sake... |
You make me quite ashamed... |
I’ve never had a wife... |
I wouldn’t know what to do with her!” |
“You’ll find out, Ivan Fiodorovich, you’ll find out,” said his aunt, smiling, and she thought to herself: |
“What next, he is a perfect baby, he knows nothing!” |
“Yes, Ivan Fiodorovich!” |
she went on aloud, “we could not find a better wife for you than Maria Grigorievna. |
Besides, you are very much attracted by her. |
I have had a good talk with the old lady about it: |
she’ll be delighted to see you her son-in-law. |
It’s true that we don’t know what that old scoundrel Grigorievich will say to it; but we won’t consider him, and if he takes it into his head not to give her a dowry, we’ll have the law on him....” |
At that moment the chaise drove into the yard and the ancient nags grew more lively, feeling that their stable was not far off. |
“Listen, Omelko! |
Let the horses have a good rest first, and don’t take them down to drink the minute they are unharnessed; they are overheated.” |
“Well, Ivan Fiodorovich,” his aunt went on as she got out of the chaise, “I advise you to think it over carefully. |
I must run to the kitchen: I forgot to tell Solokha what to get for supper, and I expect the wretched girl won’t have thought of it herself.” |
But Ivan Fiodorovich stood as though thunderstruck. |
It was true that Maria Grigorievna was a very nice-looking young lady; but to get married...! |
It seemed to him so strange, so peculiar, he couldn’t think of it without horror. |
Living with a wife...! |
Unthinkable! |
He would not be alone in his own room, but they would always have to be together...! |
Perspiration came out on his face as he sank more deeply into meditation. |
He went to bed earlier than usual but in spite of all his efforts he could not go to sleep. |
But at last sleep, that universal comforter, came to him; but such sleep! |
He had never had such incoherent dreams. |
First, he dreamed that everything was whirling noisily around him, and he was running and running, as fast as his legs could carry him... |
Now he was at his last gasp... |
All at once someone caught him by the ear. |
“Aie! |
who is it?” |
“It is I, your wife!” |
a voice resounded loudly in his ear—and he woke up. |
Then he imagined that he was married, that everything in their little house was so peculiar, so strange: |
a double bed stood in his room instead of a single one; his wife was sitting on a chair. |
He felt strange; he did not know how to approach her, what to say to her, and then he noticed that she had the face of a goose. |
He turned aside and saw another wife, also with the face of a goose. |
Turning in another direction, he saw still a third wife; and behind him was still another. |
Then he was seized by panic: |
he dashed away into the garden; but there it was hot. |
He took off his hat, and—saw a wife sitting in it. |
Drops of sweat came out on his face. |
He put his hand in his pocket for his handkerchief and in his pocket too there was a wife; he took some cotton out of his ear—and there too sat a wife.... |
Then he suddenly began hopping on one leg, and his aunt, looking at him, said with a dignified air: |
“Yes, you must hop on one leg now, for you are a married man.” |
He went toward her, but his aunt was no longer an aunt but a belfry, and he felt that someone was dragging him by a rope up the belfry. |
“Who is it pulling me?” |
Ivan Fiodorovich asked plaintively. |
“It is I, your wife. I am pulling you because you are a bell.” |
“No, I am not a bell, I am Ivan Fiodorovich,” he cried. |
“Yes, you are a bell,” said the colonel of the P— infantry regiment, who happened to be passing. |
Then he suddenly dreamed that his wife was not a human being at all but a sort of woolen material, and that he went into a shop in Mogiliov. |
“What sort of material would you like?” |
asked the shopkeeper. |
“You had better take a wife, that is the most fashionable material! |
It wears well! |
Everyone is having coats made of it now.” |
The shopkeeper measured and cut off his wife. |
Ivan Fiodorovich put her under his arm and went off to a Jewish tailor. |
“No,” said the Jew, “that is poor material! |
No one has coats made of that now....” |
Ivan Fiodorovich woke up in terror, not knowing where he was; he was dripping with cold perspiration. |
As soon as he got up in the morning, he went at once to his fortunetelling book, at the end of which a virtuous bookseller had in the goodness of his heart and unselfishness inserted an abridged dream interpreter. |
But there was absolutely nothing in it that remotely resembled this incoherent dream. |
Meanwhile a new scheme, of which you shall hear more in the following chapter, matured in his aunt’s brain. |
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